The Dignity of Reaching Out for Help

By Sherap Andrea Winn, MEd, Psychotherapist and Meditation Guide

Why can it be so bloody hard for many of us to reach out for help? Part of it may be that society teaches us that independence equals strength. There is something wrong with us if we can’t solve all our problems on our own. If we need help, we are weak... miserable... a low life... [fill in the message you were taught]. We should just be able to fix it BY OURSELVES! This kind of thinking can keep us circling in an endless cycle of suffering and immobility. If society and our parents have engrained this in us and we’ve been living this way our whole life, then it runs deep. How can we begin to change this powerful cycle of thinking? Furthermore, if people have been living like this for many generations, how can we turn the tide in this generation?

We could begin by honouring the force behind this way of thinking. Perhaps our parents praised us for being tough when a classmate teased us and called us names. Or perhaps our parents were silent when we started dating a man who treated us disrespectfully. Maybe a teacher shamed us when we cried because Algebra was too hard to understand. Since birth, we have gone through moments of vulnerability; the way the people around us reacted to us in these moments deeply impacted how we interpreted them and the resulting decisions we made about ourselves and the world. If we were surrounded by people who treated us harshly, then we likely developed a harsh approach to ourselves and have continued living that. People brought up like this who are entering into vulnerable moments in adulthood will have harsh voices built into them ready to leap up and say: “You should be stronger... tougher... smarter... you were stupid to get into this, now you have to stay.” And so they stay.

There have been studies on learned helplessness. Very often these studies have been done with dogs put in a closed room with an electrified floor that gives them a shock. When the dogs are shocked, they wildly try to get out of the room; after they discover there is no way out, they lie down and simply take the shock. Later, they are introduced to a similar room with an open door; when the electricity is turned on, the dogs just lie down and take the shock, even though they could walk out the door. This is called learned helplessness. I have heard of studies where the dogs had to be dragged out of the room many times before they understood that they could leave the room when the shock came on. This speaks to the power of conditioning that teaches us to feel trapped. (Read further about learned helplessness) http://www.docpotter.com/boclass-25helplessness.html It also speaks to the power necessary to break free of learned helplessness and walk out the door.

We need to reclaim our connection with ourselves and our intuition – our inner knowing. Story-teller and Psychoanalyst Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes explains how to reconnect with our intuition in her telling of the story of Vasalisa in Women Who Run With the Wolves. Estes writes, “What does one feed intuition so that it is consistently nourished and responsive to our requests to scan our environ? One feeds it life – one feeds it life by listening to it.” The strength of our intuition and connection with ourselves can grow by listening to the voice within and acting on what we hear. We must creatively find ways of connecting with that little voice within us, listening to it, and acting upon its guidance. This includes reaching out to women and men in our lives who have a strong connection with their intuition, so they can guide us in learning to connect with our own intuition.

Women researchers at the Stone Center for Developmental Services and Studies at Wellesley College tells us that traditional theories of human development emphasize the need for “separation, autonomy, mastery, independence, and self-sufficiency” in order to be considered healthy and mature. However through the research at the Stone Center they have shown that growth and change happen when we are in empathetic connection with someone else. Think about the last time you had a heart-to-heart talk with someone. You likely left the conversation feeling energized and stronger. It is through such connections with others that there is hope for growth and change... especially the kind of change needed to move beyond learned helplessness.

If you are feeling trapped in a bad situation, you need to listen to the cry for help within you. Rouse yourself and your courage, even if only for a moment and face the truth of your situation. If something is out of balance, then you need to do something about it. You deserve to be treated with honour and respect, and so does everyone else in your life. For situations where you have felt immobilized for years, you definitely need to pick up the phone and call for help. In Toronto we have the 211 telephone information service that can link you with appropriate supports. Picking up that phone can feel like the strangest thing you have ever done. DO IT! It can be your first step into the light after living in darkness. It is your action to turn the tide. It takes courage. I am saddened when I see the living conditions that so many of us put up with. It is an act of great dignity to reach out for help and get the support you need to change your situation for the better. You deserve to live in your truth, to be treated with respect, and to live at peace with your own heart. The world deserves to have you in your full power so you can be a contributing citizen. If you or someone you know is stuck in a bad situation, call 211 to find out what is available to you. I welcome calls from those seeking a skilled therapist to support them in learning to listen to their intuition and embracing the living light within them.

To see Sherap’s upcoming programs, visit: www.sheraptherapy.webs.com or contact her by phone at 647-288-7847.