The secret to helping your relationship survive infertility, pregnancy and parenthood
By Dr. Kaleb Montgomery, TCM
Many of you are trying to have kids, are about to have kids or have kids already. These are all stressful things. I know. Not only do I specialize in fertility and pregnancy care in my practice, but I am a father of three young children and my wife and I had some fertility problems of our own. If you are like most other people, you take out your stress on your spouse/co-parent to be, but there are ways to manage the strain on your relationship. Read on.
The trouble starts almost as soon you begin worrying your pregnancy attempts are not working. A whole gamut of emotions can flow by: frustration, anger, guilt, apathy, panic to name just a few of my personal favourites. Again the usual release valve for these emotions is your partner. As well, you may have stopped having sex for fun and are just having less than fulfilling babying-making sex. Those of you who are past the trying-to-get-pregnant part know that, unfortunately, the non-sex thing can last through pregnancy and into early parenthood too. (Although rumour has it that good sex is possible again once the kids get older.)
Once you do get pregnant, a whole new set of challenges is usually thrown your way. Most often the root of it is tiredness for the pregnant half of the couple. Whatever way you decided to split up the household chores before is now thrown out the window. Because she is so tired and will most likely want to sleep when she is not working, it’s mostly up to the partner now to get it done. As you might guess, this new dynamic also places strain on the relationship. Typically, the one slogging the chores feels praise is deserved for pitching in and doing more, while the pregnant partner feels a combination of guilt for not being able to do as much and dissatisfaction for the chores not getting done the way she wants it. As you can imagine, this is not a combination that leads to peace and harmony.
I am going to let you on to a little secret I learned. If your partner is like mine, you will hear the word “team” a lot now, as in, “we are a team and the team has to pitch in together to get things done.” If you’re not the pregnant one, whenever you hear the word team it means you should do it. It’s the way it should be because she is carrying/feeding/growing the baby, but it still takes some getting used to, especially if you do not understand the subtext behind the words.
Finally comes the full contact sport of parenting young children. For those of you not there yet, your life is about to go through the greatest change you will ever experience. Being fully responsible for a totally helpless little person of your own creation is awesome, terrifying and all-consuming. You will never be so tired and never feel love like you do for your children. You think you love your parents, siblings or your spouse; however, that is nothing compared to the love you feel for your child. The extremes you travel with young children from bone-numbing tiredness and glass-smashing frustration to inexplicable joy in a matter of seconds is impossible to prepare for. Again the inevitable stress this produces may be directed at your spouse. A friend of mine, Steve, summed the effect of all this well; he described his relationship with his wife while his daughter was young like a car that needed maintenance, that you did not have time to maintain but had to drive anyway. If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone.
Through this whole process you will be stressed and you will take this out on your partner. Guaranteed. 100%, you will get scolded and yelled at through no fault of your own, and will yell and scold yourself. Pregnant and breast-feeding women course with unfamiliar hormones and are often not totally in control of their emotions. It is frustrating to feel this out of control. If you are the one on the receiving end of emotional outbursts you certainly can’t complain to her about it and expect sympathy in return – her job is hardest. The secret to surviving all of this is forgiveness.
Deep down underneath all the layers of crap, you both love each other. The only way to get through it is to forgive each other the transgressions of temper and stress that occur and move on. As Steve has said, you will not have time or energy to sit down and talk about every little spat or problem once the child arrives, the pace of life now is just too crazy. Sleep and time alone are commodities to be traded and fought over. Going to work is now a break. The only thing you can do is let it go and move on. Holding on to every small hurt will only cause more distance and pain in your relationship. Realizing that even though the “attack” was worded personally, in reality you both were going to blow anyway and your partner is the one in the way of this “friendly fire”.
As in the military, just because the fire is friendly doesn’t mean it is any less deadly. Too often relationships die under the weight of many small accumulated grievances. Even though this situation is more acute in early parenthood, the same pattern occurs through the whole process. Does this feel familiar? It is never too late to practice the secret to a healthy relationship. Forgive your partner. Start today. Give him or her a hug and laugh at how grumpy you are. You will be surprised at how much lighter you and your home will become.
By Dr. Kaleb Montgomery, TCM
Many of you are trying to have kids, are about to have kids or have kids already. These are all stressful things. I know. Not only do I specialize in fertility and pregnancy care in my practice, but I am a father of three young children and my wife and I had some fertility problems of our own. If you are like most other people, you take out your stress on your spouse/co-parent to be, but there are ways to manage the strain on your relationship. Read on.
The trouble starts almost as soon you begin worrying your pregnancy attempts are not working. A whole gamut of emotions can flow by: frustration, anger, guilt, apathy, panic to name just a few of my personal favourites. Again the usual release valve for these emotions is your partner. As well, you may have stopped having sex for fun and are just having less than fulfilling babying-making sex. Those of you who are past the trying-to-get-pregnant part know that, unfortunately, the non-sex thing can last through pregnancy and into early parenthood too. (Although rumour has it that good sex is possible again once the kids get older.)
Once you do get pregnant, a whole new set of challenges is usually thrown your way. Most often the root of it is tiredness for the pregnant half of the couple. Whatever way you decided to split up the household chores before is now thrown out the window. Because she is so tired and will most likely want to sleep when she is not working, it’s mostly up to the partner now to get it done. As you might guess, this new dynamic also places strain on the relationship. Typically, the one slogging the chores feels praise is deserved for pitching in and doing more, while the pregnant partner feels a combination of guilt for not being able to do as much and dissatisfaction for the chores not getting done the way she wants it. As you can imagine, this is not a combination that leads to peace and harmony.
I am going to let you on to a little secret I learned. If your partner is like mine, you will hear the word “team” a lot now, as in, “we are a team and the team has to pitch in together to get things done.” If you’re not the pregnant one, whenever you hear the word team it means you should do it. It’s the way it should be because she is carrying/feeding/growing the baby, but it still takes some getting used to, especially if you do not understand the subtext behind the words.
Finally comes the full contact sport of parenting young children. For those of you not there yet, your life is about to go through the greatest change you will ever experience. Being fully responsible for a totally helpless little person of your own creation is awesome, terrifying and all-consuming. You will never be so tired and never feel love like you do for your children. You think you love your parents, siblings or your spouse; however, that is nothing compared to the love you feel for your child. The extremes you travel with young children from bone-numbing tiredness and glass-smashing frustration to inexplicable joy in a matter of seconds is impossible to prepare for. Again the inevitable stress this produces may be directed at your spouse. A friend of mine, Steve, summed the effect of all this well; he described his relationship with his wife while his daughter was young like a car that needed maintenance, that you did not have time to maintain but had to drive anyway. If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone.
Through this whole process you will be stressed and you will take this out on your partner. Guaranteed. 100%, you will get scolded and yelled at through no fault of your own, and will yell and scold yourself. Pregnant and breast-feeding women course with unfamiliar hormones and are often not totally in control of their emotions. It is frustrating to feel this out of control. If you are the one on the receiving end of emotional outbursts you certainly can’t complain to her about it and expect sympathy in return – her job is hardest. The secret to surviving all of this is forgiveness.
Deep down underneath all the layers of crap, you both love each other. The only way to get through it is to forgive each other the transgressions of temper and stress that occur and move on. As Steve has said, you will not have time or energy to sit down and talk about every little spat or problem once the child arrives, the pace of life now is just too crazy. Sleep and time alone are commodities to be traded and fought over. Going to work is now a break. The only thing you can do is let it go and move on. Holding on to every small hurt will only cause more distance and pain in your relationship. Realizing that even though the “attack” was worded personally, in reality you both were going to blow anyway and your partner is the one in the way of this “friendly fire”.
As in the military, just because the fire is friendly doesn’t mean it is any less deadly. Too often relationships die under the weight of many small accumulated grievances. Even though this situation is more acute in early parenthood, the same pattern occurs through the whole process. Does this feel familiar? It is never too late to practice the secret to a healthy relationship. Forgive your partner. Start today. Give him or her a hug and laugh at how grumpy you are. You will be surprised at how much lighter you and your home will become.
